Okay, I know I stated I would give you a week of background on me and I would allow you to ask me questions and respond to them directly on the blog. However, my youngest decided to sit on my laptop and cracked the screen so I was down a few days until it was repaired and I was a bit off track; however, I am back in full swing and I am ready to give you what I promised.
I received the following question from someone via email:
Have you ever had someone to cheat on you and if so how did you handle the situation?
Well, yes I have and I can say I did not handle it very well at all. I met this guy and we hit it off real well. I love a man that can make me laugh and who is protective of my feelings – what I had to learn is to ask or find out why my feelings are being protected; the reasons for this type of behavior may not always be a positive one. We would go out to dinner and the movies. He would cook for me, I would cook for him and we would do a lot of things to learn different cultures or to spend time getting to know one another. He was not the most attractive man but he his character and mannerisms made me attracted to him. We dated for a few months and, at least for me, we were starting what I thought to be a very nice relationship but that changed very quickly when I started noticing his patterns changing. I stated before I am a “people watcher” and I pick up on a person’s patterns in speech and behaviors rather quickly. At first, I didn’t question things (blank bitch move) because I wanted to make sure there was no other incident causing the shift; I wanted to be sure it wasn’t just me attempting to self-sabotage things because (at the time) I had huge trust issues. But it wasn’t me; there was a definite change in his conduct. The phone calls were a little less and the time we were spending together became a bit more infrequent. He was still attentive but something was just not right about this sudden adjustment to our visits and phone calls. So, I sat back and watched him when we would meet. I noticed he had to take a call or two away from me using low-tones and he started hanging out with his friends a bit more than normal – don’t get me wrong, I want to hang with my family and friends and encourage my mate to do the same; but the going out became more frequent and that is when my antennae’s went up. So (being the detective that I am) I began to question very minor things; I wanted to see if his attitude had changed. When we first started dating he had no problem telling me anything but when I asked a few questions about how he enjoyed his night, he became very antsy and evasive. I knew something was up so I played it cool – everything done in the dark always, ALWAYS comes to light and it didn’t take long.
I was approached at an acquaintance’s birthday party by a woman who knew a little bit more about than I shared with those who were not in my immediate circle. I was very curious in knowing how she knew so much about me since I had never in my life seen her before. She began to tell me things about my career, details about some of my recent escapades with my trues (these are my best friends and the only one’s deserving of the title true for two reasons: they tell me the truth even if I don’t want to hear it or acknowledge my poor judgment or behaviors and they have been in my life so long that are bond is so great nothing has ever shaken it. I know that they truly love me and value our relationship – these are my ride or die friends – PERIOD). Before she could get too much more information out, I asked her how did she know me? She smirked and told me she was _____girlfriend and he had told her all about me. She was his girlfriend and she found out my name from him after some pressure but she did some research among her friends and we ended up having a mutual associate. Now (as most women do when we want information) she played the role to gain all the Intel she could about me and this “associate” knew quite a bit since we had known each other for so long and were still cool with one another. Although I was aggravated to no end, I never lost my cool. My problem was not with her but with “her man” and her problem was not with me. In most situations like this, the women end up fighting or having a battle over a guy that has lied to them both. Instead of confronting him and dealing with the person really at fault, most women want to blame the other woman involved for the betrayal of her relationship – NOT!!! I know there are some situations where a woman may in fact know a man has a wife, girlfriend or someone he is dating and the woman is determined to have this man in her life despite hurting another woman in the process but these cases are handled much differently. I knew that she was hurt because of confrontation confirmed her suspicion. I was mad because I was lied to and put in a situation where another woman felt the need to address me about having a relationship with her man.
I didn’t get upset or become agitated with her, I was very calm and pleasant and I offered to speak with her so we could talk about this situation we were in. I allowed her time to speak her mind and learned she too had noticed his pattern of behavior – he was initially with her constantly, then very little to a few days here and there. When we compared notes, there was still some time frames unaccounted for which meant there was another party involved. I expressed my feelings and assured her I was not a threat to her “relationship” now that I had been made aware but I did want to see him one last time and I asked if she would not mind joining us. She agreed and I set up a date with “her man” for the following evening – I don’t believe in wasting time getting rid of garbage in my life! I requested her presence a bit earlier than his so she could sit in my room and listen to our entire conversation. I am sure there were questions she still needed answers too and her being in the room with us, initially, would only present an environment where lies would fall out of his mouth like water coming from a glass with a hole in it. YEAP I SET HIS ASS UP FOR THE TAKE DOWN!!! Since he had no clue she was in my room or even knew I was aware of his girlfriend for the last 3 years, he was happy to see me. He greeted me with a kiss and a hug and began telling me all about his day and where he wanted to go for dinner. We had been planning a mini-vacation of the coast and he delivered me the itinerary for our trip. All the while, I’m just saying, “Yes babe,” or “We are going to have a nice time,” or “That’s great darling,” and he was none the wiser. I also talked to him about some of his personal business, some of the dates we went out and times – I knew she wanted to know how long this had been going on and I was going to answer every possible question that I could for her accept the main one, why?I guess she had heard enough because she was standing in the doorway of my living room with tears flowing. His back was turned so she didn’t see her right away but she smiled and mouthed, “Thank You,” and I nodded my head in agreement. I told him that I had a surprise for him but I needed him to go into my bedroom to get it off the nightstand. He turned around and damn near passed out. I didn’t say a word, I politely grabbed his keys, coat and all the stuff he bought with him for our trip and handed it to her. I gave her a hug, wished her well and showed them both to the door. I was saddened by the fact she was hurt, pissed that I got played for a fool but I felt like a champ to have exposed his raggedy ass. So yes, I’ve been cheated on and it hurt like hell but I didn’t let it break me or stop me. It changed me and made me more careful and more aware and more questionable to the person I may deal with but I never fell victim to the thinking of some women I know – believing this is the norm or something that I have to accept to have a relationship and I will never think that way nor will I knowingly engage with a man that is already in the mix.