Love Day…Not for All!

So today is Valentine’s Day and most people are walking around in bliss, buying balloons and candy, preparing for intimate dinners and an evening full of personal exchanges of love and affection from their mate. I wish this sentiment was impressed upon everyone I know but, unfortunately, everyone is not in love and Valentine’s Day is only a burden or added salt to a wound of the heart.

 I have found so many couples are in turmoil right now. A man cheating on women, women cheating on men and everyone is ready to throw in the towel and walk out the door. I really hate to see so many people unhappy more importantly; I am saddened by the number of families falling apart right now. What the heck is going on with everyone?

I just wanted to take a moment since today is considered the “day of love,” and I want to express to each and every one of my family, friends, supporters, and followers….love starts with you! If you are at the beginning of a relationship make sure you have asked all the questions needed to determine if going any further is worth your time and effort. If you are in a long-term union or marriage, whatever bought you two together is worth fighting for. If your mad, disappointed, or hurt by something(s) that have happened or currently happening – remember you fell in love with this person, go back to the moment you knew love existed and draw strength from that place to work on your partnership. 

But if you have reached the end of your journey with the individual you once called your “soul mate” if things are beyond repair – have some dignity and discretion with your personal matters. One thing I learned from my mother, do not ever (I mean ever) bad mouth the person you once called your husband/wife. Believe me it comes back to haunt you in ways you would not believe. My mother and father never did that to one another in my presence. Each allowed me to make my own decision and about the other and I am grateful and thankful of that wisdom. The very things you say about your ex-significant other you will either endure again in life (because you are still holding on to the pain of the experience) or you will pass it on to someone else. I’d rather you know I am a women with integrity and grace who has more important things in life to do rather than demean or disparage who you are than to be known as a bitter, vindictive person who has their hurt and pain on display for the world to scrutinize. It’s not the worlds business and the people in this world are not going to heal me internally – only I can do that so why waste time dwelling on you when I can spend the time healing and improving on me!

Until the next time, add this ingredient to the bowl of decisions for your life and stay In the Mix with Ms. Nix!

You Shouldn’t Have Said Yes

I’ve never said being in a relationship is easy; it’s hard work – its understanding when you have no idea what the heck is going on, its compromising even when you feel you are right about an issue that has come up, its continuing to love even when you don’t even like the person at the moment, it’s being the best person you can be even when the one you love is being the worse.

Women and men operate so differently. Most women are emotional beings and many men are fixers – they want to make things right when something is going wrong. Women are typically nurturing creatures and men show affection through the things they do not always by the words they say. I have a lot of male and female friends. I speak to both regarding relationship issues, good and bad, and I know married and single people. My single friends want to be in relationships and (unfortunately) the married couples are often seeking a way out of their union.

 One couple I know is currently on the edge of some real trouble. The male has a lot of female friends and has been known to engage in a variety of relationships at the same time. However, he claims to have changed his ways and married his wife. The female in the relationship has always been in long term, monogamous unions and has been through many trials with her current husband involving other women yet she stayed with him and married him despite the challenges the partnership faced.

I called to check on the “happy” couple and see how their union was going since they are now entering reality and moving away from the honeymoon phase.  Initially, both seemed joyful and content but as the conversation went on I could tell there was more underneath all of them, “I love him and I love her so much,” I kept hearing from them over the phone.  Later on that evening, the wife called me back and broke down her feelings about her husband. She said she felt insecure because of some situations prior to their marriage and behaviors with other women during their engagement. She rattled off to me during the course of their engagement her husband was using social media outlets to talk to other women and when confronted with the issue he would claim the conversations meant nothing even with the damning evidence of his asking to take other women out, setting up video chats, and asking for provocative pictures. I asked had the behaviors continued since they have been married and she stated, not to the same degree but there were instances here and there where he would have a conversation with an ex-lover or reach out to some random girl. I told her I would have to think about her information and call her back.

 In the meantime, the husband called me and stated he was upset his wife did not trust him. She was always search through his phone and Facebook to see if he was dealing with other women. In the past, he has made some horrible mistakes but he really did take his marriage seriously. I asked him did he think that his behavior had any direct impact on how she was reacting to him and he said not really. He apologized for past transgressions but he was fully committed. I asked had he engaged in conversations with his past lovers/girlfriends and he said he had but the conversations were brief and they didn’t mean anything. I asked had he told her about the interactions. He said no she found out when she paid the phone bill or when she was searching on the phone. I asked what prevented him from telling her and he said it didn’t mean anything to him – I told him it didn’t matter he seemed to be deceptive and that did not help his case, especially, since he had issues in the past dealing with other women.

 

After I thought long and hard about their issues, I knew these two should not have been married. In fact, I would have suggested some long and intensive counseling before they even considered getting married. But they are now in a union and the best way to salvage what they have was for some therapy and behavior changes to occur. Instead of calling them, I decided to take a trip to their house and sit them both down. I told them you both have valid reasons for how you feel and you both have made some horrible mistakes and you both don’t trust each other nor do you know how to communicate with each other. If you truly love one another, you really need to consider going to a marriage counselor to learn how to trust each other and love each other honestly and openly. You need to be honest with one another and behavior, on both parts, need to change immediately. If you do not want your marriage to end you need to solve your trust issues or you will be in divorce court before you even make it to your 2 year anniversary.

The Mix

I know some women have biological clocks ticking and I know some men want to settle down and have a family but if you have trust issues you need to really put forth the effort to work out the internal demons you have before you decide to have a partnership with someone for the rest of your life. The lack of trust will drive any relationship into the ground and you will have an enemy instead of a lover, companion and friend. If you are not comfortable with your relationship prior to marriage believe me it does not get better just because you have a ring on your finger. Take the time to really establish a strong foundation of trust, respect and communication before you tie the knot. 

Talk to Me....

Talk to Me!!!!

Sometimes when there is a breakdown in communication in relationships you will often find ideas and thinking that would never make themselves present and become the forefront of troubles that were brewing underneath the surface. When mates are not up front and honest with one another, eventually the little things that never mattered before become the very reasons why arguments begin. Remember the little trivial things are not the real reason why you argue – it is the deeper issues that were never addressed or never discussed at the root of the problem.

One thing I’ve learned from my past relationships is the importance of communication and being honest about your feelings. Forget about all the bad advice and cliché’s you may have heard when communicating with your partner (e.g. you should never let the someone know all your feelings, something’s are better left unsaid, etc.) you will find out soon enough the very things left to assumption or pushed down for fear of reaction or just trying to avoid the situation altogether. Unfortunately doing either of these will only compound the problem and cause further tension and discord. Many of us say over and over how much we want a relationship but not very many are really ready to put in the hard work and effort it takes to nurture the relationship. 

One of the most important concepts in a good relationship is the communication between two partners. Each person should feel comfortable speaking openly and honestly to each other and without fear of retribution, rejection or lack of understanding to the feelings or views the other maybe sharing at the time. How will you ever know what is going on internally with your mate if you do not talk. You husband or wife is not only your companion but your best friend – be honest don’t you share everything with your best same sex friend? This is how it should be, if not exclusively, with your wife or husband. If in a boyfriend/girlfriend situation, you should be attempting to establish this kind of connection with one another. If there is no friendship and no communication – you will have problems (period). Thus the double-edged sword begins to rear its sharp head. You can only learn the expectations of your mate through communicating with each other. How else are you and your partner to know your morals, principles, values, wants, desires, and criteria for being in a committed relationship. I guess he/she is supposed to guess right? Or understand, completely, by your actions -ummm NO!

 

The Mix

I have learned the importance of talking, really communicating with someone I care deeply about. I have grown in my ability to be honest about my feelings and it is extremely important each and every person in a relationship or considering entering a long-term, committed union learn  very quickly how to express your feelings , your thoughts with the person whom you share your life or who you intend to share your life with. Believe and take very seriously the phrase, “Closed mouths don’t get feed,” – this is a very true statement. Speaking from experience, a closed heart will only get broken  dreams and loneliness…open up your heart and let the words flow from your lips to her/his ears. Hopefully, you will gain knowledge and wisdom to improve your union. Listen to the words of the song I included – men and women can make a healthy relationship impossible….just talk to each other….

Until the next time, add this ingredient to the bowl of decisions for your life and stay In the Mix with Ms. Nix!

Thursday's Question and Answer Mix

How to Deal with an Over-Bearing Mother-In-Law

Ms. Nix:

I was recently married to a wonderful man. We both have children from previous relationships and in a few short months we will have a child of our own. My husband and I get along pretty good except when it comes to his family, more specifically his mother. His mother and I never really got along great but she was much easier to deal with before we got married. We would speak to each other when we had to but nothing more than that. Now that we are married, she feels she has some say so in our family life. She wants a key to our house and that will never happen as long as I have breath in my body. She calls all hours of the night and she tries to come by the house whenever she gets good and ready to come by. I’ve caught her telling my step-children not to listen to me because I am not their mother; I am just some woman their dad married. When I confront my husband with my feelings or the things that I’ve heard, he just says she has to get use to the idea of us being married and things will change. Now, I am pregnant and I might be a bit over sensitive right now but I know that I am not crazy and things changing needs to happen right now. What do you think about all of this and how would you handle such a delicate situation?

Sincerely

Pregnant and Fed-Up

Dear Pregnant and Fed-Up:

The first thing I want to address is your health and the health of your unborn child. Your body is already under an enormous amount of stress trying to prepare and carry your baby to term. You should be in the most relaxed environment as possible – daily life has enough challenges and given you did not provide the ages of your children; I can only assume everyone is still at the age where they are living with a parent and found the sound of your letter all the children must be in the home with you and your new husband at least most of the time. So with young and/or pre-teen kids, a new husband, home, and your current pregnancy I’d say your hands are full and anything additional, any outside stressors right now are completely unacceptable. You must remain mentally, physically, and emotionally fit for not only yourself but your unborn child. What happens to you happens to him/her and we want that little blessing you are carrying in your stomach to have the best chance of being healthy right from the start! I do agree with you, some changes need to be made immediately starting with your husband….

When your husband married you, he promised to uphold certain vows – no matter how they were stated most likely the words honor, protect, love, cherish, obey….I knew if not all a few of those were in there. Ultimately, your husband was telling the whole world, including his mother, you and his family are now his first priority and everything else comes second. Your needs, come first and now it is time for her to cut the cord and allow her son to be the husband and father he needs to be for his family.

Note**this is his mother and you must be respectful of her despite what you may feel about her. A mother is a mother forever but don’t get me wrong she does not have a right to interfere in your marriage. Just remember if her behaviors have been allowed so far in your lives, he is going to have a hard time telling her to back off and she is going to have an even more difficult time letting go – she’s been the number one lady in his life up until now and she does not want to resign from her position.

Have a heart to heart with your husband (the picture was just for a laugh) and let him know the concerns you are having with his mother and you both have to address her as a united front. No she can’t have keys to your house, it’s unacceptable to tell you step-children they do not have to obey you and it is offensive to call you a woman he married you’re his wife and you will be respected as such. If you have to keep her away from your home and your family until her behavior changes, then do so. You don’t have any time for undo pressure or stress while you are pregnant and you both refuse to allow ANYBODY undermine your marriage or your family. Your husband should be fully supportive of this because he made the decision to love, honor, and cherish you above all others and that includes his mother. It may sound easier said than done but real is real – you and your family are first (period)!

Let me know how things turn out….I’m interested in seeing how well this ingredient fit into your mix!!!

If you want to address something in the Thursday’s Question and Answer Mix email me at msnixinthemix@gmail.com. Be advised, I never post names unless you express a desire for me to do so.