Break It Up!!! By Carmen Fletcher - Guest Writer

Break It Up!

It’s getting hot in the bedroom, in the kitchen, in the car, and out on the street…Because you’re fighting too much! In the post-Valentine season and right before its time to break out the new cute sandals and shorts, some are breaking out of relationships and sleeping in cold aggravating tears. Something arises in men and women that make them crave something new with the warmer seasons approaching and excuses for escape are fought harder than finding solutions. Why do we do this when love is so much easier? Now let’s not fight for something not worth fighting for such as: unceasing infidelity, abuse, laziness, hidden relationships…you get the picture. However there are other things that we build our anxiety and frustrations over that cause unnecessarily drama-filled breakups that could have been avoided. 

Let’s talk… 

Why so serious? It seems that after Valentine’s Day the *fun romantic spark* starts to dwindle and before you know it’s back to the routine of eat, work, sleep, and maybe some romance if it is properly planned.  It is wonderful to be a woman on a mission of success with 3-30 different entrepreneurial ventures running through your brain, veins, and heart; however there are times when you forget that someone loves you and they can be viewed as your bothersome accessory that is awaiting your heart at home. This is not uncommon when people are climbing their way or fighting to stay at the top. But… THIS IS BORING & DAMAGING. Since everything else is controlled in your life, let go of the fear to break away from the restrictive mold and fall in love with your friend again. Make new discoveries with each other, introduce new things into your lives, live with the purpose of making a memory and stop taking your world so seriously and enjoy life. You’ve worked hard for your life it’s not going anywhere, make time for love before you lose it. Unfortunately, some still need fulfillment from others, even though they have a love at home. 

In these moments it is important to remember to look with your eyes not with your heart.  Men will see a woman walking down the street that make their heads turn and eyes enlarge like an owl and we smack them and yell at them for ‘cheating with their eyes’. Yet when we are out with our girlfriends we will get locked in a gaze for every Denzel-Morris-Dwayne Johnson look-a-like that we talk about for the next hour and tell our men not to be jealous…come on ladies… The truth is we all have eyes for looking, hands for touching, and hearts for loving and as long as the hands and hearts remain at our sides and connected to our partners there is nothing to worry about on either end.  So the next time either of you spot someone that looks like they were genetically engineered to be perfect just remember that they may have caught your eye, but your love has captured your heart. Now if your man is seen just looking at another woman, don’t allow anyone else to discredit his love for you. 

          When you are going through a change in your relationship always be careful about who you talk to about your relationship, including family, while remembering that bitter bickering come from bitter women. Let’s say your man has been going out pretty frequently with his friends to do ‘manly things’ that leaves you at home alone. Even though he said he will be home soon, you’re still feeling pretty lonely and decide to call all your friends just to chat and pass the time. Next thing you know you find yourself getting up in arms with unrealistic accusations because your only single bitter friend (who has been sleeping alone all winter because she hates all men but still wants one) starts implanting her sad tales into your head and making you question your love. So when your man does get home he is the ‘enemy’ that is ready to spend time with you. Why allow someone to inject their bitterness into your life when you have the wherewithal to control your own? Instead of being fuming mad for no reason redirect your energy into being a completed woman; Go out with friends, read books you never have time to, watch shows he would normally complain about, have an at home spa day etc. And if it truly bothers you that he is spending more time with his friends than you SAY SOMETHING, despite their other wonderful qualities, men cannot read minds. Always be the initiator for change in your relationship, do not allow others to control your love.

Speaking of initiating change in love sometimes with a change of season we need to warm things up or cool things down in the bedroom. When you are in a relatively new relationship you are trying every trick in the Kama Sutra book that you can find and you are grateful to be walking afterwards. Then it dwindles down to, ‘You ready?’ ‘Yup’ ‘Almost there’ ‘Ah there it is!’ ‘Ok goodnight.’ However some couples are just the opposite where it started off slow then picked up to the point of an unhealthy obsession. There is no true measure of where someone should be with their partners sexually it is constantly growing, changing, and expanding into new experiences of pleasure. If sex has become such a mundane act that it’s not even pleasurable anymore do not be afraid to seek the assistance of a Loveologist who will educate you on how to expand your experience with alternative practices, toys, positions, and the ever cherished G-spot. Another tip is to always have a spiritual connection with your mate by looking into their eyes while interchanging positions and orgasm. It enhances the physical connection in addition to connecting with your mates mind and feelings that they are having about you or anything else. By doing so discussions of healing could emerge as well as further bonding. However, if you are in a hyper-sexed situation and feel that your body literally cannot take anymore and have the doctor bill to prove it then seek other ways to connect. During alternative activities reevaluate how your love is shown and how mature relationship truly is.

We are not perfect and change is always a factor from weather seasons to life seasons. There is always room for improvement in a relationship when dealing with communication, trust, and sex. If you find yourself in any of these situations and feel like it’s over don’t break up, break it up and make a commitment to change. 

About the Author

Carmen Fletcher is a Public Relations Manager and writer that willingly shares her perspective on life, love, and more through poetry, testimonies, and inspirational stories. She is a Contributing Writer on www.breathoflifedaily.com  and has contributed to the book Super Singles Activate! Testimonies to Inspire and Uplift the Single Woman. In addition she is currently working on several books and orchestrating the Rise Above campaign featured on the fan page of inspirational book Yes! Confess Success www.facebook.comm/YesConfessSuccess 

Love Day…Not for All!

So today is Valentine’s Day and most people are walking around in bliss, buying balloons and candy, preparing for intimate dinners and an evening full of personal exchanges of love and affection from their mate. I wish this sentiment was impressed upon everyone I know but, unfortunately, everyone is not in love and Valentine’s Day is only a burden or added salt to a wound of the heart.

 I have found so many couples are in turmoil right now. A man cheating on women, women cheating on men and everyone is ready to throw in the towel and walk out the door. I really hate to see so many people unhappy more importantly; I am saddened by the number of families falling apart right now. What the heck is going on with everyone?

I just wanted to take a moment since today is considered the “day of love,” and I want to express to each and every one of my family, friends, supporters, and followers….love starts with you! If you are at the beginning of a relationship make sure you have asked all the questions needed to determine if going any further is worth your time and effort. If you are in a long-term union or marriage, whatever bought you two together is worth fighting for. If your mad, disappointed, or hurt by something(s) that have happened or currently happening – remember you fell in love with this person, go back to the moment you knew love existed and draw strength from that place to work on your partnership. 

But if you have reached the end of your journey with the individual you once called your “soul mate” if things are beyond repair – have some dignity and discretion with your personal matters. One thing I learned from my mother, do not ever (I mean ever) bad mouth the person you once called your husband/wife. Believe me it comes back to haunt you in ways you would not believe. My mother and father never did that to one another in my presence. Each allowed me to make my own decision and about the other and I am grateful and thankful of that wisdom. The very things you say about your ex-significant other you will either endure again in life (because you are still holding on to the pain of the experience) or you will pass it on to someone else. I’d rather you know I am a women with integrity and grace who has more important things in life to do rather than demean or disparage who you are than to be known as a bitter, vindictive person who has their hurt and pain on display for the world to scrutinize. It’s not the worlds business and the people in this world are not going to heal me internally – only I can do that so why waste time dwelling on you when I can spend the time healing and improving on me!

Until the next time, add this ingredient to the bowl of decisions for your life and stay In the Mix with Ms. Nix!

Talk to Me....

Talk to Me!!!!

Sometimes when there is a breakdown in communication in relationships you will often find ideas and thinking that would never make themselves present and become the forefront of troubles that were brewing underneath the surface. When mates are not up front and honest with one another, eventually the little things that never mattered before become the very reasons why arguments begin. Remember the little trivial things are not the real reason why you argue – it is the deeper issues that were never addressed or never discussed at the root of the problem.

One thing I’ve learned from my past relationships is the importance of communication and being honest about your feelings. Forget about all the bad advice and cliché’s you may have heard when communicating with your partner (e.g. you should never let the someone know all your feelings, something’s are better left unsaid, etc.) you will find out soon enough the very things left to assumption or pushed down for fear of reaction or just trying to avoid the situation altogether. Unfortunately doing either of these will only compound the problem and cause further tension and discord. Many of us say over and over how much we want a relationship but not very many are really ready to put in the hard work and effort it takes to nurture the relationship. 

One of the most important concepts in a good relationship is the communication between two partners. Each person should feel comfortable speaking openly and honestly to each other and without fear of retribution, rejection or lack of understanding to the feelings or views the other maybe sharing at the time. How will you ever know what is going on internally with your mate if you do not talk. You husband or wife is not only your companion but your best friend – be honest don’t you share everything with your best same sex friend? This is how it should be, if not exclusively, with your wife or husband. If in a boyfriend/girlfriend situation, you should be attempting to establish this kind of connection with one another. If there is no friendship and no communication – you will have problems (period). Thus the double-edged sword begins to rear its sharp head. You can only learn the expectations of your mate through communicating with each other. How else are you and your partner to know your morals, principles, values, wants, desires, and criteria for being in a committed relationship. I guess he/she is supposed to guess right? Or understand, completely, by your actions -ummm NO!

 

The Mix

I have learned the importance of talking, really communicating with someone I care deeply about. I have grown in my ability to be honest about my feelings and it is extremely important each and every person in a relationship or considering entering a long-term, committed union learn  very quickly how to express your feelings , your thoughts with the person whom you share your life or who you intend to share your life with. Believe and take very seriously the phrase, “Closed mouths don’t get feed,” – this is a very true statement. Speaking from experience, a closed heart will only get broken  dreams and loneliness…open up your heart and let the words flow from your lips to her/his ears. Hopefully, you will gain knowledge and wisdom to improve your union. Listen to the words of the song I included – men and women can make a healthy relationship impossible….just talk to each other….

Until the next time, add this ingredient to the bowl of decisions for your life and stay In the Mix with Ms. Nix!

Thursday's Question and Answer Mix

How to Deal with an Over-Bearing Mother-In-Law

Ms. Nix:

I was recently married to a wonderful man. We both have children from previous relationships and in a few short months we will have a child of our own. My husband and I get along pretty good except when it comes to his family, more specifically his mother. His mother and I never really got along great but she was much easier to deal with before we got married. We would speak to each other when we had to but nothing more than that. Now that we are married, she feels she has some say so in our family life. She wants a key to our house and that will never happen as long as I have breath in my body. She calls all hours of the night and she tries to come by the house whenever she gets good and ready to come by. I’ve caught her telling my step-children not to listen to me because I am not their mother; I am just some woman their dad married. When I confront my husband with my feelings or the things that I’ve heard, he just says she has to get use to the idea of us being married and things will change. Now, I am pregnant and I might be a bit over sensitive right now but I know that I am not crazy and things changing needs to happen right now. What do you think about all of this and how would you handle such a delicate situation?

Sincerely

Pregnant and Fed-Up

Dear Pregnant and Fed-Up:

The first thing I want to address is your health and the health of your unborn child. Your body is already under an enormous amount of stress trying to prepare and carry your baby to term. You should be in the most relaxed environment as possible – daily life has enough challenges and given you did not provide the ages of your children; I can only assume everyone is still at the age where they are living with a parent and found the sound of your letter all the children must be in the home with you and your new husband at least most of the time. So with young and/or pre-teen kids, a new husband, home, and your current pregnancy I’d say your hands are full and anything additional, any outside stressors right now are completely unacceptable. You must remain mentally, physically, and emotionally fit for not only yourself but your unborn child. What happens to you happens to him/her and we want that little blessing you are carrying in your stomach to have the best chance of being healthy right from the start! I do agree with you, some changes need to be made immediately starting with your husband….

When your husband married you, he promised to uphold certain vows – no matter how they were stated most likely the words honor, protect, love, cherish, obey….I knew if not all a few of those were in there. Ultimately, your husband was telling the whole world, including his mother, you and his family are now his first priority and everything else comes second. Your needs, come first and now it is time for her to cut the cord and allow her son to be the husband and father he needs to be for his family.

Note**this is his mother and you must be respectful of her despite what you may feel about her. A mother is a mother forever but don’t get me wrong she does not have a right to interfere in your marriage. Just remember if her behaviors have been allowed so far in your lives, he is going to have a hard time telling her to back off and she is going to have an even more difficult time letting go – she’s been the number one lady in his life up until now and she does not want to resign from her position.

Have a heart to heart with your husband (the picture was just for a laugh) and let him know the concerns you are having with his mother and you both have to address her as a united front. No she can’t have keys to your house, it’s unacceptable to tell you step-children they do not have to obey you and it is offensive to call you a woman he married you’re his wife and you will be respected as such. If you have to keep her away from your home and your family until her behavior changes, then do so. You don’t have any time for undo pressure or stress while you are pregnant and you both refuse to allow ANYBODY undermine your marriage or your family. Your husband should be fully supportive of this because he made the decision to love, honor, and cherish you above all others and that includes his mother. It may sound easier said than done but real is real – you and your family are first (period)!

Let me know how things turn out….I’m interested in seeing how well this ingredient fit into your mix!!!

If you want to address something in the Thursday’s Question and Answer Mix email me at msnixinthemix@gmail.com. Be advised, I never post names unless you express a desire for me to do so. 

Blank Chick Chronicles 2013 – Volume 2

Well, well, well….Have you ever ran into a blank chick and her “hype-man”; you know the blank chick that has another blank chick pumping her up to do some blank chick things or make blank chick decisions? There are plenty of blank chicks running in pairs and that is such a bad situation because in most cases a real woman cannot penetrate this blank chick circle.

Let me introduce you to, “Thelma and Louise,” – these two characters are considered lost causes. While I am always trying to find salvageable blank chicks to save and bring over into the world of true womanhood these two will forever be lost because they are bound together in blank chick thinking and unwillingly to hear anything from a real woman for them to make the transformation needed to eradicate the blank behavior they are engulfed in.

I met Thelma and Louise by chance I was not looking to meet these women and I am kind of sorry that I did. Upon our first time meeting one another, we were in a social setting with loads of people. Men and women, each doing their own thing, being who they are; a friend and I were sitting back talking when I noticed these two huddled up in a corner talking about each and every woman passing their little corner. Now, I have to admit and any real woman should be able to do the same – when you are with your crew you tend to scrutinize the other women in the room. I am not proud of it but real is real and it happens. Women are harder and more critical of other women than any man could ever be. We will read you from head to toe without ever having one conversation with you and getting to know who you are and the journey you have been on in your life.

However, Thelma and Louise were not discreet or tactful; they are the kind of women that were not only rude and disrespectful of themselves and of other people but they were loud to boot! Now, there are some blank woman that will quietly be blank and don’t’ want any waves, but there are quite a few that also have something to prove. They are so intimidated by other women, by positive growth, by secure women, women that are go getters and hard-workers, have such low self-esteem and have such out of control lives they need something. They need something to make them feel better about their pitiful lives and really their lives and personalities could be so much better that what they are if they would actually make the changes needed but hey, you can’t save ever blank chick because the ones like Thelma and Louise are so far gone they don’t need, want or understand they need to be saved from themselves by their self!!!

Each time a group of women, a pair of women or a young lady roaming passed them by – the giggles and laughs would start, some comment was made about their clothing, make-up, hair, shoes, etc. and they loud laughter to make the person(s) feel uncomfortable and finally the menacing looks as if to dare the individual(s) to fire back at them because they are ready to fight. I looked at my friend, shook my head and said those are two of the saddest people at this event. Both of them are so co-dependent on the others bullshit they can’t even leave each other long enough to allow their individual attitudes and personality traits shine. Right as I began to finish my statement, one of the females was getting questioned about a loud remark she made toward another woman as she passed by. The tension was rising and people were starting to surround the area, which is something all blank chicks like to have when in the middle of some bullshit – this pumps them up they need negative encouragement to make them seem like they are somebody, like what they are saying or doing is the right thing but it’s all in their little blank minds in their blank world.

A few men stepped in between the “ladies” to defuse the ridiculous scene which only made Thelma and Louise more hyped but eventually things settled down and the night continued with them back in the corner doing the same thing. I could only wonder how long it would be before they met up with some other blank chicks that would be just as stupid and actually make these women back up all the mess they were talking it would only be a matter of time…..

I’ve seen them on several occasions doing the same thing. I’ve even tried to speak to one of them, woman to woman, about how they get down but it didn’t work and after the conversation I discovered that they both are a complete lost cause. I hate to say that, I try to find something in every woman worth saving but at last…..there is nothing in either of them worth my valuable time and effort. Their fate will be in their own hands and unfortunately, it seems the path they are embarking on will only lead to a severe ass whoppin, jail or death.

The Mix….

Even though there are women who will remain in a constant world of blank chick vision, never to see the light of womanhood; we (as real woman) have to make the choice to see past their ignorance and remain above their low self-image, low self-esteem and low self-worth. You can try to make an attempt to help them but do not waste your time if the help is now willingly accepted. Continue to be the woman that you are and allow them to be the blank chicks they are…..some can be saved and others will remain lost. Our objective as real women is to bring those who are willing and ready to come into womanhood and to allow those who choose to stay in the world of the blank chick a small corner of existence.

Remember darlings…..they don’t have to be blank chicks all their lives but it’s their choice to remain the same! Keep it In the Mix with Ms. Nix.

Blank Chick Chronicles 2013 – Volume 1

Well it’s time to let loose on the blank activity of the blank chick. I must state again, blank chicks come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. I really want to help you out and sometimes it can be frustrating try to help a blank chick – such is the plight of a real woman!

Everyone knows a blank chick, you may have a few family members or friends that are always going through something and seem either clueless to the role their play in the blank decision making or activities or they are so damn clouded mentally they really can’t see how blank they truly are – refer them to me. It is time to eradicate the blank chick, you can find them any and everywhere and it is time for woman of the world to unite and either draft them into womanhood on a probationary period until they prove themselves worthy of carrying the title, “Grown woman,” or push them all into a corner and keep them on a short leash making sure to check their blank movements.

 The first blank chick chronicle is about “Alice the Sweet.”

Alice is a really sweet person; she would give you the shirt off her back and the wind from underneath her wings if you asked her too. But Alice was often used by men and women because she has such a humble, trusting and giving spirit. I have seen, personally, someone mistreat Alice and she was simply “blank” to the fact she had just been played. I’ve stood up for her on more than one occasion because I feel that she is one “blank chick” worth saving, worth putting some real effort and energy into helping her help herself.

Recently, Alice asked me how to deal with a situation involving her sister. The sisters are not really close, Alice is a very beautiful young woman and her sister (while equally as beautiful) is not neither humble nor giving. She is a typical gold-digger, only out for herself and what she can get from anybody she can charm or trick into meeting some superficial need or want she may have at the moment. She is very tenacious in nature and is not going to give up until she gets what she wants no matter who she hurts in the process. She told Alice she needed to borrow some money from her to pay a few bills she had gotten behind on because of the holidays. Alice (a hard-worker at a remedial job not paying much money) felt compelled to help her sister and gave her not only her last monies allowed in her budget to take care of herself until her next paycheck but dipped into her savings, which was not much, just to ensure her sister was going to be alright. Of course, her sister said she would pay her back at the beginning of the year but we all know that didn’t happen. Now, if you don’t have the money to pay someone back for whatever reason providing them with an explanation and requesting more time to pay them back can often be negotiated in the best interest of both individuals – you can work this type of situation out civilly and with relative ease. Alice the Sweet’s sister not only didn’t pay her back, won’t return her phone calls or emails but the heffa had the nerve to tell Alice the money was a gift not a loan and stop asking for something that she was never going to give back to her. I offered to make a “personal visit” to her sister on her behalf but Alice said no and I thought about it; I cannot defend Alice every time someone takes advantage of her. I am doing her a disservice by taking on her issue and making it my own instead of directing her to stand up for herself and give her a good piece of advice in the process.

I told Alice, you are right I should not go and speak with your sister but you should. You have to speak up for yourself Alice and demand the respect you deserve in this particular situation and I hope that your sister will do right by you but if she doesn’t you’ve learned an important and expensive lesson. She asked what exactly did I mean and I told her, “People will do only what you allow them to do to you. If you never stand up for yourself you will continue to be the world’s doormat and you will never be respected and always mistreated because you don’t value yourself no one else will. Also, never give anyone anything that you are not willing to lose. If you give them advice don’t expect advice back, if you give them money only give what you wouldn’t miss but remember money, friends and family do not mix well. If you help someone don’t expect for them to help you only give what you can of yourself but not all of yourself.” She smiled at me and wiped away a tear. I asked her why she was crying and she told me I sound like her mom. She has always told her some very similar advice and I said, “Alice, when more than one person tells you the same thing you better take a step back and listen. Something about you is drawing people that may not even know each other to have the same conclusion about you.”

The Mix:

You can’t save every blank chick but there are some worth saving and Alice is one of them. You should want to help someone that is seemingly defenseless against being “blank” if they are in the realm of being a “blank chick” only because they are just a good-hearted, good intention type of individual. I know this story is mild but if you have been following I wanted to ease you into the mix…..but the grit will come. Remember what I said to Alice, “only give away what you willing not to receive back,” I challenge you to do this with one person or one situation in your life and see the outcome will be.

Remember darlings…..you don’t have to be a blank chick all your life! Keep it In the Mix with Ms. Nix.

The Return of the Blank Chick Chronicles

The Blank Chick Chronicles has returned!!!! All the stories you've been doing to hear from my conversations with my friends, experiences I have had and random women I have met and continue to meet in my life are right here. Yes, I even talk about my own "blank chick" moments. But remember these stories expose the thinking of both men and women and hopefully spare some people from making some bad decisions in life and love!

I'm Back in the Mix!!!

I’m Back!!!

Well, I guess you thought that I was gone and my blog would die out or just go away. I guess some people thought that it was a momentary interest and I would just fall to the way-side like so many others before me but I just want you all to know…..I’m Back!!! Oh yeah and I’m not going anywhere.

Now, I did have to take some time off to get my own backyard pruned and landscaped because how can I give anyone else any advice if my own yard is in a mess. I had to take care of me and mine so I could better advise you! How often do you meet people in your life that may have some very sound advice but when you start taking a look at their background and the things they are going through, accepting or rejecting…the messes they are in; how the hell are you going to advise anyone and you don’t have your own situations together?

So before I could push on and help others, I had to take some time out and help myself. I’ve done that, got my family and my life back on track and now it’s time to get out here and help some of the blank chicks and reckless dudes that I have encountered on my journey into the new year.

By the way, HAPPY NEW YEAR! 2012 ended with a lot of changes in my world and as I reflect back on what my entire year was like; I must say that I am truly happy about the changes that I have made, the lessons I learned and the people I met. I have dropped a few bad apples and gained a few potential associates. My boys are healthy and getting back to normal, my family is stronger and renewed and I am refreshed and ready to do the damn thing this year.

The blog will be going through a lot of changes; I am adding more content and getting someone to help me pull all my ideas together to keep my blog readers interested. So, yes I will start having guests come on and give you their opinions about life, love and relationships. My mission has not changed, I want to enlighten women, people (in general) about making better choices when it comes to entering into a union, maintaining a relationship – whether it is a friendship, family unit, marriage or dating partnership. I want those with significant others to have strong bonds or at least you are investing your time and efforts in the right person. I want singles to understand the game out here is something else and to be prepared for everything that may come your way. I want families to remain strong and understand that ultimately your family is all you got in the end and what it really means to be a friend to yourself and others. The most important thing is to love yourself, have a relationship with you that are so strong your glow will make those around you either want to know how you shine or walk away from the brightness of your light.

2013!!!! Blank Chick Chronicles are coming back with a vengeance. Don’t sleep on the chronicles, I have run into so many different situations during the last 3 months of 2012 that I have a lot to pen. The one thing I learned is that you are never too old to act a fool and you really have to stand back and let a fool argue by themselves. If you argue with them, someone on the outside will never be able to distinguish who is really the fool and who is not. With that said, ladies and gentlemen let me welcome you to the new and improved, “In the Mix with Ms. Nix!” You better hold onto your seats and get ready for the ride, pull out the spoons you use to mix the pot of your personal life and get ready to add my ingredients to your mix. Are you ready? Okay, let’s get it in!!!!!