Break It Up!!! By Carmen Fletcher - Guest Writer

Break It Up!

It’s getting hot in the bedroom, in the kitchen, in the car, and out on the street…Because you’re fighting too much! In the post-Valentine season and right before its time to break out the new cute sandals and shorts, some are breaking out of relationships and sleeping in cold aggravating tears. Something arises in men and women that make them crave something new with the warmer seasons approaching and excuses for escape are fought harder than finding solutions. Why do we do this when love is so much easier? Now let’s not fight for something not worth fighting for such as: unceasing infidelity, abuse, laziness, hidden relationships…you get the picture. However there are other things that we build our anxiety and frustrations over that cause unnecessarily drama-filled breakups that could have been avoided. 

Let’s talk… 

Why so serious? It seems that after Valentine’s Day the *fun romantic spark* starts to dwindle and before you know it’s back to the routine of eat, work, sleep, and maybe some romance if it is properly planned.  It is wonderful to be a woman on a mission of success with 3-30 different entrepreneurial ventures running through your brain, veins, and heart; however there are times when you forget that someone loves you and they can be viewed as your bothersome accessory that is awaiting your heart at home. This is not uncommon when people are climbing their way or fighting to stay at the top. But… THIS IS BORING & DAMAGING. Since everything else is controlled in your life, let go of the fear to break away from the restrictive mold and fall in love with your friend again. Make new discoveries with each other, introduce new things into your lives, live with the purpose of making a memory and stop taking your world so seriously and enjoy life. You’ve worked hard for your life it’s not going anywhere, make time for love before you lose it. Unfortunately, some still need fulfillment from others, even though they have a love at home. 

In these moments it is important to remember to look with your eyes not with your heart.  Men will see a woman walking down the street that make their heads turn and eyes enlarge like an owl and we smack them and yell at them for ‘cheating with their eyes’. Yet when we are out with our girlfriends we will get locked in a gaze for every Denzel-Morris-Dwayne Johnson look-a-like that we talk about for the next hour and tell our men not to be jealous…come on ladies… The truth is we all have eyes for looking, hands for touching, and hearts for loving and as long as the hands and hearts remain at our sides and connected to our partners there is nothing to worry about on either end.  So the next time either of you spot someone that looks like they were genetically engineered to be perfect just remember that they may have caught your eye, but your love has captured your heart. Now if your man is seen just looking at another woman, don’t allow anyone else to discredit his love for you. 

          When you are going through a change in your relationship always be careful about who you talk to about your relationship, including family, while remembering that bitter bickering come from bitter women. Let’s say your man has been going out pretty frequently with his friends to do ‘manly things’ that leaves you at home alone. Even though he said he will be home soon, you’re still feeling pretty lonely and decide to call all your friends just to chat and pass the time. Next thing you know you find yourself getting up in arms with unrealistic accusations because your only single bitter friend (who has been sleeping alone all winter because she hates all men but still wants one) starts implanting her sad tales into your head and making you question your love. So when your man does get home he is the ‘enemy’ that is ready to spend time with you. Why allow someone to inject their bitterness into your life when you have the wherewithal to control your own? Instead of being fuming mad for no reason redirect your energy into being a completed woman; Go out with friends, read books you never have time to, watch shows he would normally complain about, have an at home spa day etc. And if it truly bothers you that he is spending more time with his friends than you SAY SOMETHING, despite their other wonderful qualities, men cannot read minds. Always be the initiator for change in your relationship, do not allow others to control your love.

Speaking of initiating change in love sometimes with a change of season we need to warm things up or cool things down in the bedroom. When you are in a relatively new relationship you are trying every trick in the Kama Sutra book that you can find and you are grateful to be walking afterwards. Then it dwindles down to, ‘You ready?’ ‘Yup’ ‘Almost there’ ‘Ah there it is!’ ‘Ok goodnight.’ However some couples are just the opposite where it started off slow then picked up to the point of an unhealthy obsession. There is no true measure of where someone should be with their partners sexually it is constantly growing, changing, and expanding into new experiences of pleasure. If sex has become such a mundane act that it’s not even pleasurable anymore do not be afraid to seek the assistance of a Loveologist who will educate you on how to expand your experience with alternative practices, toys, positions, and the ever cherished G-spot. Another tip is to always have a spiritual connection with your mate by looking into their eyes while interchanging positions and orgasm. It enhances the physical connection in addition to connecting with your mates mind and feelings that they are having about you or anything else. By doing so discussions of healing could emerge as well as further bonding. However, if you are in a hyper-sexed situation and feel that your body literally cannot take anymore and have the doctor bill to prove it then seek other ways to connect. During alternative activities reevaluate how your love is shown and how mature relationship truly is.

We are not perfect and change is always a factor from weather seasons to life seasons. There is always room for improvement in a relationship when dealing with communication, trust, and sex. If you find yourself in any of these situations and feel like it’s over don’t break up, break it up and make a commitment to change. 

About the Author

Carmen Fletcher is a Public Relations Manager and writer that willingly shares her perspective on life, love, and more through poetry, testimonies, and inspirational stories. She is a Contributing Writer on www.breathoflifedaily.com  and has contributed to the book Super Singles Activate! Testimonies to Inspire and Uplift the Single Woman. In addition she is currently working on several books and orchestrating the Rise Above campaign featured on the fan page of inspirational book Yes! Confess Success www.facebook.comm/YesConfessSuccess 

Blank Chick Chronicles 2013 - Volume 3

Stop Being Messy…With Your Life!

Blank chicks, PLEASE, stop being so damn messy with your life. We all understand you don’t have your life together. We get you’re not emotionally or mentally apt to handle adult issues in a mature manner. Believe me, we completely understand what we are downright sick and tired of is you being so messy! You really need to stop and check how you get down – how you really are perceived by other people. You do not get brownie points for being loud and obnoxious, you’re a “blank chick” it’s in your nature. You don’t have to constantly demonstrate your inadequacies, we’ve been trying to encourage and aid you on your transition into womanhood and adult thinking and behaving.

 You claim you’ve got everything under control, but your “personal house” is a complete mess. You state you’re confident, but you hide your true self behind a mask of material items praying no one will ever discover how low your self-image and self-esteem creates a need for you to continue living a “blank” life. You were my inspiration for creating this blog! I was a “blank chick” but some people who really cared about me sat me down and pointed out the era of my ways – they opened my eyes up to my own reality and gave me the tools for change. I did the work (and I continue to do so) to remove any remaining “blank ideology.” Darlings, sweethearts…You Don’t Have to be Blank All Your Life! Wake-up! You’re getting too old to have a messy life!

• Stop bedding every man that pays you some attention
• Stop gossiping about people, you only look ridiculous
• You don’t have to prove anything to anyone, except YOURSELF
• Stop hiding behind the “bad girl” “boss bitch” image – if you were all that tough you would have made some of the “blank chick” mistakes you’ve made in your life
• Stop calling yourself a bitch – the terms original meaning refers to a female dog is that how you really view yourself? 

The Mix…

I came into the blog world to enlighten, both men and especially women, on “blank” views/thinking. It is time to eradicate the “blank chick” and get your lives together. I want to help you in any way I can – you are why I’m here but you have to promise to make some effort to help yourself. I won’t give up on you! Until the next time, add this ingredient to the bowl of decisions for your life and stay In the Mix with Ms. Nix!

You Shouldn’t Have Said Yes

I’ve never said being in a relationship is easy; it’s hard work – its understanding when you have no idea what the heck is going on, its compromising even when you feel you are right about an issue that has come up, its continuing to love even when you don’t even like the person at the moment, it’s being the best person you can be even when the one you love is being the worse.

Women and men operate so differently. Most women are emotional beings and many men are fixers – they want to make things right when something is going wrong. Women are typically nurturing creatures and men show affection through the things they do not always by the words they say. I have a lot of male and female friends. I speak to both regarding relationship issues, good and bad, and I know married and single people. My single friends want to be in relationships and (unfortunately) the married couples are often seeking a way out of their union.

 One couple I know is currently on the edge of some real trouble. The male has a lot of female friends and has been known to engage in a variety of relationships at the same time. However, he claims to have changed his ways and married his wife. The female in the relationship has always been in long term, monogamous unions and has been through many trials with her current husband involving other women yet she stayed with him and married him despite the challenges the partnership faced.

I called to check on the “happy” couple and see how their union was going since they are now entering reality and moving away from the honeymoon phase.  Initially, both seemed joyful and content but as the conversation went on I could tell there was more underneath all of them, “I love him and I love her so much,” I kept hearing from them over the phone.  Later on that evening, the wife called me back and broke down her feelings about her husband. She said she felt insecure because of some situations prior to their marriage and behaviors with other women during their engagement. She rattled off to me during the course of their engagement her husband was using social media outlets to talk to other women and when confronted with the issue he would claim the conversations meant nothing even with the damning evidence of his asking to take other women out, setting up video chats, and asking for provocative pictures. I asked had the behaviors continued since they have been married and she stated, not to the same degree but there were instances here and there where he would have a conversation with an ex-lover or reach out to some random girl. I told her I would have to think about her information and call her back.

 In the meantime, the husband called me and stated he was upset his wife did not trust him. She was always search through his phone and Facebook to see if he was dealing with other women. In the past, he has made some horrible mistakes but he really did take his marriage seriously. I asked him did he think that his behavior had any direct impact on how she was reacting to him and he said not really. He apologized for past transgressions but he was fully committed. I asked had he engaged in conversations with his past lovers/girlfriends and he said he had but the conversations were brief and they didn’t mean anything. I asked had he told her about the interactions. He said no she found out when she paid the phone bill or when she was searching on the phone. I asked what prevented him from telling her and he said it didn’t mean anything to him – I told him it didn’t matter he seemed to be deceptive and that did not help his case, especially, since he had issues in the past dealing with other women.

 

After I thought long and hard about their issues, I knew these two should not have been married. In fact, I would have suggested some long and intensive counseling before they even considered getting married. But they are now in a union and the best way to salvage what they have was for some therapy and behavior changes to occur. Instead of calling them, I decided to take a trip to their house and sit them both down. I told them you both have valid reasons for how you feel and you both have made some horrible mistakes and you both don’t trust each other nor do you know how to communicate with each other. If you truly love one another, you really need to consider going to a marriage counselor to learn how to trust each other and love each other honestly and openly. You need to be honest with one another and behavior, on both parts, need to change immediately. If you do not want your marriage to end you need to solve your trust issues or you will be in divorce court before you even make it to your 2 year anniversary.

The Mix

I know some women have biological clocks ticking and I know some men want to settle down and have a family but if you have trust issues you need to really put forth the effort to work out the internal demons you have before you decide to have a partnership with someone for the rest of your life. The lack of trust will drive any relationship into the ground and you will have an enemy instead of a lover, companion and friend. If you are not comfortable with your relationship prior to marriage believe me it does not get better just because you have a ring on your finger. Take the time to really establish a strong foundation of trust, respect and communication before you tie the knot. 

I Can’t Stand When Someone Thinks They’re Slick

I have a few pet peeves but one, in particular, drives me crazy – people who think they are slick. I attempt to surround myself with people who have no shades of gray (people who will tell me the truth no matter how it makes me feel) and I appreciate their direct approach. I may not like what you are saying but I respect your ability to tell me the truth. What I don’t like is someone who claims, “I’m real; I keep it 100%,” yet when you get right down to it he/she is the first person to take the indirect path on handling situations that may arise, especially, when conflicts arise.

 I’ve never been the type of person to believe what other people say and if someone states he/she has a “problem” with me I would much rather go directly to the source and deal with whatever issue he/she may have with me. I do not like third-party conversations, I don’t need a hype man or woman to pump me up just to speak with you and I am not going to address you in a manner that would be deemed disrespectful or inconsiderate of the circumstances. I have learned along my journey most often miscommunication is the root of a lot of issues that exist between women or someone has lied because they have assumed something (this will usually include a third-party playing both sides of the fence) or some type of jealousy, envy or intimidation factor exists – which is really a clear sign of an immature mind and lack of self-control, self-worth and low self-esteem.

 I am a woman first and if I have an issue with another woman I firmly believe I need to handle my feelings about the situation with that particular woman (period). Yet, I have found some women claim to be direct and upstanding are just real “blank!” Even as a teenager, those who know me know I have never had a problem confronting someone; however, I am the first to admit I did not handle situations, in my youth, with tack and pose. I was a hot-head and often irrational and hostile. But I am not a teenager anymore and I understand everyone deserves a certain amount of respect and I elect to provide you respect while attempting to resolve tense situations.

In one instance, I approached a situation with another female and simply asked her what problem, if any, she had with me. It seemed when we were in the same places, I would get the snide looks and comments and we had never had a conversation with one another. Now, I could have been ratchet and came off real “ghetto” but I don’t have anything to prove to anyone so all that street, hood behavior was not necessary – I am not 20 years old and I’ve had my grown woman sway for a minute now, acting other than myself, the woman I am is so beneath me and I refuse to allow anyone and anything take me there. Now, when the “young lady” decided to use a third-party to communicate with me a response I was shocked but not surprised and I learned that the direct approach would not be the way she would handle this situation. But what made me do a double-take is the slick stuff - side comments and remarks made afterwards. Taking the “slick” approach shows a lot about a person’s character and this is someone who cannot be trusted. When an individual is not willing to deal with you directly, you should know they are more than likely going to always come at you from the side and rarely head on – keep your third-eye open and move carefully around this type of person.

 The Mix

You know the truth about yourself and if you are unable to be direct and upfront it is okay that is absolutely your prerogative; however, don’t pretend to be someone you know deep down inside you are not. There is a huge difference between picking and choosing a battle or attempting to be nickel slick. Nickel slick people eventually run everyone and everything away from them even those who truly may care about you. Being nickel slick only raises suspicion on just who you really are…your integrity becomes questionable and so does your motives behind your actions!

Until the next time, add this ingredient to the bowl of decisions for your life and stay In the Mix with Ms. Nix!

Blank Chick Chronicles 2013 – Volume 2

Well, well, well….Have you ever ran into a blank chick and her “hype-man”; you know the blank chick that has another blank chick pumping her up to do some blank chick things or make blank chick decisions? There are plenty of blank chicks running in pairs and that is such a bad situation because in most cases a real woman cannot penetrate this blank chick circle.

Let me introduce you to, “Thelma and Louise,” – these two characters are considered lost causes. While I am always trying to find salvageable blank chicks to save and bring over into the world of true womanhood these two will forever be lost because they are bound together in blank chick thinking and unwillingly to hear anything from a real woman for them to make the transformation needed to eradicate the blank behavior they are engulfed in.

I met Thelma and Louise by chance I was not looking to meet these women and I am kind of sorry that I did. Upon our first time meeting one another, we were in a social setting with loads of people. Men and women, each doing their own thing, being who they are; a friend and I were sitting back talking when I noticed these two huddled up in a corner talking about each and every woman passing their little corner. Now, I have to admit and any real woman should be able to do the same – when you are with your crew you tend to scrutinize the other women in the room. I am not proud of it but real is real and it happens. Women are harder and more critical of other women than any man could ever be. We will read you from head to toe without ever having one conversation with you and getting to know who you are and the journey you have been on in your life.

However, Thelma and Louise were not discreet or tactful; they are the kind of women that were not only rude and disrespectful of themselves and of other people but they were loud to boot! Now, there are some blank woman that will quietly be blank and don’t’ want any waves, but there are quite a few that also have something to prove. They are so intimidated by other women, by positive growth, by secure women, women that are go getters and hard-workers, have such low self-esteem and have such out of control lives they need something. They need something to make them feel better about their pitiful lives and really their lives and personalities could be so much better that what they are if they would actually make the changes needed but hey, you can’t save ever blank chick because the ones like Thelma and Louise are so far gone they don’t need, want or understand they need to be saved from themselves by their self!!!

Each time a group of women, a pair of women or a young lady roaming passed them by – the giggles and laughs would start, some comment was made about their clothing, make-up, hair, shoes, etc. and they loud laughter to make the person(s) feel uncomfortable and finally the menacing looks as if to dare the individual(s) to fire back at them because they are ready to fight. I looked at my friend, shook my head and said those are two of the saddest people at this event. Both of them are so co-dependent on the others bullshit they can’t even leave each other long enough to allow their individual attitudes and personality traits shine. Right as I began to finish my statement, one of the females was getting questioned about a loud remark she made toward another woman as she passed by. The tension was rising and people were starting to surround the area, which is something all blank chicks like to have when in the middle of some bullshit – this pumps them up they need negative encouragement to make them seem like they are somebody, like what they are saying or doing is the right thing but it’s all in their little blank minds in their blank world.

A few men stepped in between the “ladies” to defuse the ridiculous scene which only made Thelma and Louise more hyped but eventually things settled down and the night continued with them back in the corner doing the same thing. I could only wonder how long it would be before they met up with some other blank chicks that would be just as stupid and actually make these women back up all the mess they were talking it would only be a matter of time…..

I’ve seen them on several occasions doing the same thing. I’ve even tried to speak to one of them, woman to woman, about how they get down but it didn’t work and after the conversation I discovered that they both are a complete lost cause. I hate to say that, I try to find something in every woman worth saving but at last…..there is nothing in either of them worth my valuable time and effort. Their fate will be in their own hands and unfortunately, it seems the path they are embarking on will only lead to a severe ass whoppin, jail or death.

The Mix….

Even though there are women who will remain in a constant world of blank chick vision, never to see the light of womanhood; we (as real woman) have to make the choice to see past their ignorance and remain above their low self-image, low self-esteem and low self-worth. You can try to make an attempt to help them but do not waste your time if the help is now willingly accepted. Continue to be the woman that you are and allow them to be the blank chicks they are…..some can be saved and others will remain lost. Our objective as real women is to bring those who are willing and ready to come into womanhood and to allow those who choose to stay in the world of the blank chick a small corner of existence.

Remember darlings…..they don’t have to be blank chicks all their lives but it’s their choice to remain the same! Keep it In the Mix with Ms. Nix.

Blank Chick Chronicles 2013 – Volume 1

Well it’s time to let loose on the blank activity of the blank chick. I must state again, blank chicks come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. I really want to help you out and sometimes it can be frustrating try to help a blank chick – such is the plight of a real woman!

Everyone knows a blank chick, you may have a few family members or friends that are always going through something and seem either clueless to the role their play in the blank decision making or activities or they are so damn clouded mentally they really can’t see how blank they truly are – refer them to me. It is time to eradicate the blank chick, you can find them any and everywhere and it is time for woman of the world to unite and either draft them into womanhood on a probationary period until they prove themselves worthy of carrying the title, “Grown woman,” or push them all into a corner and keep them on a short leash making sure to check their blank movements.

 The first blank chick chronicle is about “Alice the Sweet.”

Alice is a really sweet person; she would give you the shirt off her back and the wind from underneath her wings if you asked her too. But Alice was often used by men and women because she has such a humble, trusting and giving spirit. I have seen, personally, someone mistreat Alice and she was simply “blank” to the fact she had just been played. I’ve stood up for her on more than one occasion because I feel that she is one “blank chick” worth saving, worth putting some real effort and energy into helping her help herself.

Recently, Alice asked me how to deal with a situation involving her sister. The sisters are not really close, Alice is a very beautiful young woman and her sister (while equally as beautiful) is not neither humble nor giving. She is a typical gold-digger, only out for herself and what she can get from anybody she can charm or trick into meeting some superficial need or want she may have at the moment. She is very tenacious in nature and is not going to give up until she gets what she wants no matter who she hurts in the process. She told Alice she needed to borrow some money from her to pay a few bills she had gotten behind on because of the holidays. Alice (a hard-worker at a remedial job not paying much money) felt compelled to help her sister and gave her not only her last monies allowed in her budget to take care of herself until her next paycheck but dipped into her savings, which was not much, just to ensure her sister was going to be alright. Of course, her sister said she would pay her back at the beginning of the year but we all know that didn’t happen. Now, if you don’t have the money to pay someone back for whatever reason providing them with an explanation and requesting more time to pay them back can often be negotiated in the best interest of both individuals – you can work this type of situation out civilly and with relative ease. Alice the Sweet’s sister not only didn’t pay her back, won’t return her phone calls or emails but the heffa had the nerve to tell Alice the money was a gift not a loan and stop asking for something that she was never going to give back to her. I offered to make a “personal visit” to her sister on her behalf but Alice said no and I thought about it; I cannot defend Alice every time someone takes advantage of her. I am doing her a disservice by taking on her issue and making it my own instead of directing her to stand up for herself and give her a good piece of advice in the process.

I told Alice, you are right I should not go and speak with your sister but you should. You have to speak up for yourself Alice and demand the respect you deserve in this particular situation and I hope that your sister will do right by you but if she doesn’t you’ve learned an important and expensive lesson. She asked what exactly did I mean and I told her, “People will do only what you allow them to do to you. If you never stand up for yourself you will continue to be the world’s doormat and you will never be respected and always mistreated because you don’t value yourself no one else will. Also, never give anyone anything that you are not willing to lose. If you give them advice don’t expect advice back, if you give them money only give what you wouldn’t miss but remember money, friends and family do not mix well. If you help someone don’t expect for them to help you only give what you can of yourself but not all of yourself.” She smiled at me and wiped away a tear. I asked her why she was crying and she told me I sound like her mom. She has always told her some very similar advice and I said, “Alice, when more than one person tells you the same thing you better take a step back and listen. Something about you is drawing people that may not even know each other to have the same conclusion about you.”

The Mix:

You can’t save every blank chick but there are some worth saving and Alice is one of them. You should want to help someone that is seemingly defenseless against being “blank” if they are in the realm of being a “blank chick” only because they are just a good-hearted, good intention type of individual. I know this story is mild but if you have been following I wanted to ease you into the mix…..but the grit will come. Remember what I said to Alice, “only give away what you willing not to receive back,” I challenge you to do this with one person or one situation in your life and see the outcome will be.

Remember darlings…..you don’t have to be a blank chick all your life! Keep it In the Mix with Ms. Nix.