I’ve
never said being in a relationship is easy; it’s hard work – its understanding
when you have no idea what the heck is going on, its compromising even when you
feel you are right about an issue that has come up, its continuing to love even
when you don’t even like the person at the moment, it’s being the best person
you can be even when the one you love is being the worse.
Women
and men operate so differently. Most women are emotional beings and many men
are fixers – they want to make things right when something is going wrong.
Women are typically nurturing creatures and men show affection through the
things they do not always by the words they say. I have a lot of male and
female friends. I speak to both regarding relationship issues, good and bad,
and I know married and single people. My single friends want to be in
relationships and (unfortunately) the married couples are often seeking a way
out of their union.
One
couple I know is currently on the edge of some real trouble. The male has a lot
of female friends and has been known to engage in a variety of relationships at
the same time. However, he claims to have changed his ways and married his
wife. The female in the relationship has always been in long term, monogamous
unions and has been through many trials with her current husband involving other
women yet she stayed with him and married him despite the challenges the
partnership faced.
I called
to check on the “happy” couple and see how their union was going since they are
now entering reality and moving away from the honeymoon phase. Initially, both seemed joyful and content but
as the conversation went on I could tell there was more underneath all of them,
“I love him and I love her so much,” I kept hearing from them over the
phone. Later on that evening, the wife
called me back and broke down her feelings about her husband. She said she felt
insecure because of some situations prior to their marriage and behaviors with
other women during their engagement. She rattled off to me during the course of
their engagement her husband was using social media outlets to talk to other
women and when confronted with the issue he would claim the conversations meant
nothing even with the damning evidence of his asking to take other women out,
setting up video chats, and asking for provocative pictures. I asked had the
behaviors continued since they have been married and she stated, not to the
same degree but there were instances here and there where he would have a
conversation with an ex-lover or reach out to some random girl. I told her I
would have to think about her information and call her back.
In the meantime, the husband called me and
stated he was upset his wife did not trust him. She was always search through
his phone and Facebook to see if he was dealing with other women. In the past,
he has made some horrible mistakes but he really did take his marriage
seriously. I asked him did he think that his behavior had any direct impact on
how she was reacting to him and he said not really. He apologized for past
transgressions but he was fully committed. I asked had he engaged in
conversations with his past lovers/girlfriends and he said he had but the conversations
were brief and they didn’t mean anything. I asked had he told her about the interactions.
He said no she found out when she paid the phone bill or when she was searching
on the phone. I asked what prevented him from telling her and he said it didn’t
mean anything to him – I told him it didn’t matter he seemed to be deceptive
and that did not help his case, especially, since he had issues in the past
dealing with other women.
After I
thought long and hard about their issues, I knew these two should not have been
married. In fact, I would have suggested some long and intensive counseling
before they even considered getting married. But they are now in a union and
the best way to salvage what they have was for some therapy and behavior changes
to occur. Instead of calling them, I decided to take a trip to their house and
sit them both down. I told them you both have valid reasons for how you feel
and you both have made some horrible mistakes and you both don’t trust each
other nor do you know how to communicate with each other. If you truly love one
another, you really need to consider going to a marriage counselor to learn how
to trust each other and love each other honestly and openly. You need to be honest
with one another and behavior, on both parts, need to change immediately. If
you do not want your marriage to end you need to solve your trust issues or you
will be in divorce court before you even make it to your 2 year anniversary.
The Mix
I know
some women have biological clocks ticking and I know some men want to settle
down and have a family but if you have trust issues you need to really put
forth the effort to work out the internal demons you have before you decide to
have a partnership with someone for the rest of your life. The lack of trust
will drive any relationship into the ground and you will have an enemy instead
of a lover, companion and friend. If you are not comfortable with your
relationship prior to marriage believe me it does not get better just because
you have a ring on your finger. Take the time to really establish a strong
foundation of trust, respect and communication before you tie the knot.
