My boyfriend and I have been together for several years and we have been very happy until recently. We would spend all our time together and since neither one of us has any children we were able to do things most of our other friends in relationships could not. We could take trips together, go to concerts and not have to worry about getting back home to a sitter or having someone watch the kids - this was not a concern we have. We would spend all our time together except when we were at work. However, my man decided he needed to start spending some time with his friends and I was okay with it at first but then it became a more routine activity. He was still coming home at a reasonable time but I just didn't like the fact that he was spending so much time with his friends and some were single.
Well, I decided to start spending more time with my girlfriends. I thought it would balance out what was going on and in some way, I would feel better being out with them instead of being home waiting on my man to come back from his adventure with the guys. Needless to say, my friends started to ask questions and they wanted to know what was going on with my relationship. Are you guys okay? Is he cheating? Is your relationship in trouble? Girl, you better be one step ahead of him and don't let him play you for a fool! Now, normally I would not have feed into their comments but given all the recent changes in his behavior I felt a like there must be something going on since he didn't want to be with me as much. I started doing things I never would have done before, checking his pockets when he was sleep or going through his phone when he wasn't paying attention and although I didn't find anything I was sure there was something or someone that was getting his attention. So, I started going out more but now I'm on a mission. I am going to places I know that he goes with the guys and a few times we have ran into each other and while he was very loving toward me, I could tell he was not happy that I was there. What do you think? Could he be cheating and I just haven't caught him yet? I am just not understanding the change in his behavior and I am really concerned.
Dean Jennifer T.
My first and most valuable piece of advice is this KEEP YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY OUT OF YOUR BUSINESS. As women, we always want to talk to our family and friends about all the things going on in our personal lives and unless you are in a situation that is dangerous to you physically, mentally and/or emotionally - it is best not to bring your friends in your mix. Now, I am not saying you can't get advice every know and then but consider your source. Be selective on who you tell your business to, not everyone around you means to see you happy or wants to see you in a healthy relationship. Some people, even those in your inner circle, are just haters and they would rather see you miserable than in something that is working. Often they want what you have and since they can't have it they don't want to see you in it either. You also have to keep in mind that some people not only want the relationship that you have, but they also want the person you are in a relationship with.
Also Jennifer, did it ever occur to you that you both are spending too much time together? Remember, you were individuals before you met and part of you being an individual is what attracted him to you and you to him in the first place. You cannot be so consumed with your relationship that you lose sight of who you are. When you do this, you give up parts of yourself and that is not attractive to your mate. You man may need to find himself again and that has nothing to do with you. He may be in need of feeling desired and wanted by you and the absence will draw you closer to him. You failed to give me your age but I can tell you this....Men go through phases just like women when they need to feel loved, they need attention, they want to be wanted and they want you to want them emotionally, mentally and physically! How is your intimacy? Are you showing him that you are missing him when he's gone? or are you waiting at home with your lip poked out ready to read him as soon as he walks in the door? You said he's not coming home late, so are you ready to play "house" when he comes home?
Finally, have you even expressed to him how you are feeling? He's not a mind reader and I didn't see where you mentioned to him that you were having some concerns about the sudden change in his behavior. He may not be aware of what you are feeling and you really haven't given him a chance to address your concerns nor tell you why he feels the need to be with his friends more. And how would you feel with him going through your phone and in your purse and in your pockets when you weren't paying attention? You are already saying you don't trust him just with your actions. If he were to ever catch you, I can tell you he would be pissed especially since you admitted that there was nothing there already. A playa, no matter how good he/she thinks they are, will always leave some clue about what they are doing. Sometimes its not immediate but they always slip up and get found out. So now, what are you going to do? Continue to make blank bitch moves or put your big girl panties on and confront your feelings with your man? Let me know how it works out, I am very curious to see but in the mean time - KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT WITH YOUR FRIENDS! They don't need to know nothing else about your business. Its obvious you are a little bit easy to lead astray so instead of letting your friends further damage your relationship take control of this mess that you were starting to create and be honest with your man about your concerns.
Ladies, I cannot express more how important it is to keep your girl friends and your family out of your mix. Yes, it is fine to let them know how you are doing in your relationship and to get advice every now and then but always consider who you are telling your business to and you do not have to give out every detail of your relationship to everyone. Be exceptionally mindful of telling people about your fights and your bedroom stories - these can cause you some unwanted attention and advice and create a host of problems for you and your man. Simply know when to keep your mouth shut - not everybody (even those in your inner circle) mean you good! Women we tell our friends and family too much of our business expecting an impartial viewpoint - NOT!! We set-up negative comments by telling all our business especially when we have arguments in our relationship - stop doing that you are creating a situation that can ultimately ruin your relationship.