Break It Up!!! By Carmen Fletcher - Guest Writer

Break It Up!

It’s getting hot in the bedroom, in the kitchen, in the car, and out on the street…Because you’re fighting too much! In the post-Valentine season and right before its time to break out the new cute sandals and shorts, some are breaking out of relationships and sleeping in cold aggravating tears. Something arises in men and women that make them crave something new with the warmer seasons approaching and excuses for escape are fought harder than finding solutions. Why do we do this when love is so much easier? Now let’s not fight for something not worth fighting for such as: unceasing infidelity, abuse, laziness, hidden relationships…you get the picture. However there are other things that we build our anxiety and frustrations over that cause unnecessarily drama-filled breakups that could have been avoided. 

Let’s talk… 

Why so serious? It seems that after Valentine’s Day the *fun romantic spark* starts to dwindle and before you know it’s back to the routine of eat, work, sleep, and maybe some romance if it is properly planned.  It is wonderful to be a woman on a mission of success with 3-30 different entrepreneurial ventures running through your brain, veins, and heart; however there are times when you forget that someone loves you and they can be viewed as your bothersome accessory that is awaiting your heart at home. This is not uncommon when people are climbing their way or fighting to stay at the top. But… THIS IS BORING & DAMAGING. Since everything else is controlled in your life, let go of the fear to break away from the restrictive mold and fall in love with your friend again. Make new discoveries with each other, introduce new things into your lives, live with the purpose of making a memory and stop taking your world so seriously and enjoy life. You’ve worked hard for your life it’s not going anywhere, make time for love before you lose it. Unfortunately, some still need fulfillment from others, even though they have a love at home. 

In these moments it is important to remember to look with your eyes not with your heart.  Men will see a woman walking down the street that make their heads turn and eyes enlarge like an owl and we smack them and yell at them for ‘cheating with their eyes’. Yet when we are out with our girlfriends we will get locked in a gaze for every Denzel-Morris-Dwayne Johnson look-a-like that we talk about for the next hour and tell our men not to be jealous…come on ladies… The truth is we all have eyes for looking, hands for touching, and hearts for loving and as long as the hands and hearts remain at our sides and connected to our partners there is nothing to worry about on either end.  So the next time either of you spot someone that looks like they were genetically engineered to be perfect just remember that they may have caught your eye, but your love has captured your heart. Now if your man is seen just looking at another woman, don’t allow anyone else to discredit his love for you. 

          When you are going through a change in your relationship always be careful about who you talk to about your relationship, including family, while remembering that bitter bickering come from bitter women. Let’s say your man has been going out pretty frequently with his friends to do ‘manly things’ that leaves you at home alone. Even though he said he will be home soon, you’re still feeling pretty lonely and decide to call all your friends just to chat and pass the time. Next thing you know you find yourself getting up in arms with unrealistic accusations because your only single bitter friend (who has been sleeping alone all winter because she hates all men but still wants one) starts implanting her sad tales into your head and making you question your love. So when your man does get home he is the ‘enemy’ that is ready to spend time with you. Why allow someone to inject their bitterness into your life when you have the wherewithal to control your own? Instead of being fuming mad for no reason redirect your energy into being a completed woman; Go out with friends, read books you never have time to, watch shows he would normally complain about, have an at home spa day etc. And if it truly bothers you that he is spending more time with his friends than you SAY SOMETHING, despite their other wonderful qualities, men cannot read minds. Always be the initiator for change in your relationship, do not allow others to control your love.

Speaking of initiating change in love sometimes with a change of season we need to warm things up or cool things down in the bedroom. When you are in a relatively new relationship you are trying every trick in the Kama Sutra book that you can find and you are grateful to be walking afterwards. Then it dwindles down to, ‘You ready?’ ‘Yup’ ‘Almost there’ ‘Ah there it is!’ ‘Ok goodnight.’ However some couples are just the opposite where it started off slow then picked up to the point of an unhealthy obsession. There is no true measure of where someone should be with their partners sexually it is constantly growing, changing, and expanding into new experiences of pleasure. If sex has become such a mundane act that it’s not even pleasurable anymore do not be afraid to seek the assistance of a Loveologist who will educate you on how to expand your experience with alternative practices, toys, positions, and the ever cherished G-spot. Another tip is to always have a spiritual connection with your mate by looking into their eyes while interchanging positions and orgasm. It enhances the physical connection in addition to connecting with your mates mind and feelings that they are having about you or anything else. By doing so discussions of healing could emerge as well as further bonding. However, if you are in a hyper-sexed situation and feel that your body literally cannot take anymore and have the doctor bill to prove it then seek other ways to connect. During alternative activities reevaluate how your love is shown and how mature relationship truly is.

We are not perfect and change is always a factor from weather seasons to life seasons. There is always room for improvement in a relationship when dealing with communication, trust, and sex. If you find yourself in any of these situations and feel like it’s over don’t break up, break it up and make a commitment to change. 

About the Author

Carmen Fletcher is a Public Relations Manager and writer that willingly shares her perspective on life, love, and more through poetry, testimonies, and inspirational stories. She is a Contributing Writer on www.breathoflifedaily.com  and has contributed to the book Super Singles Activate! Testimonies to Inspire and Uplift the Single Woman. In addition she is currently working on several books and orchestrating the Rise Above campaign featured on the fan page of inspirational book Yes! Confess Success www.facebook.comm/YesConfessSuccess 

Love Day…Not for All!

So today is Valentine’s Day and most people are walking around in bliss, buying balloons and candy, preparing for intimate dinners and an evening full of personal exchanges of love and affection from their mate. I wish this sentiment was impressed upon everyone I know but, unfortunately, everyone is not in love and Valentine’s Day is only a burden or added salt to a wound of the heart.

 I have found so many couples are in turmoil right now. A man cheating on women, women cheating on men and everyone is ready to throw in the towel and walk out the door. I really hate to see so many people unhappy more importantly; I am saddened by the number of families falling apart right now. What the heck is going on with everyone?

I just wanted to take a moment since today is considered the “day of love,” and I want to express to each and every one of my family, friends, supporters, and followers….love starts with you! If you are at the beginning of a relationship make sure you have asked all the questions needed to determine if going any further is worth your time and effort. If you are in a long-term union or marriage, whatever bought you two together is worth fighting for. If your mad, disappointed, or hurt by something(s) that have happened or currently happening – remember you fell in love with this person, go back to the moment you knew love existed and draw strength from that place to work on your partnership. 

But if you have reached the end of your journey with the individual you once called your “soul mate” if things are beyond repair – have some dignity and discretion with your personal matters. One thing I learned from my mother, do not ever (I mean ever) bad mouth the person you once called your husband/wife. Believe me it comes back to haunt you in ways you would not believe. My mother and father never did that to one another in my presence. Each allowed me to make my own decision and about the other and I am grateful and thankful of that wisdom. The very things you say about your ex-significant other you will either endure again in life (because you are still holding on to the pain of the experience) or you will pass it on to someone else. I’d rather you know I am a women with integrity and grace who has more important things in life to do rather than demean or disparage who you are than to be known as a bitter, vindictive person who has their hurt and pain on display for the world to scrutinize. It’s not the worlds business and the people in this world are not going to heal me internally – only I can do that so why waste time dwelling on you when I can spend the time healing and improving on me!

Until the next time, add this ingredient to the bowl of decisions for your life and stay In the Mix with Ms. Nix!

Blank Chick Chronicles 2013 - Volume 3

Stop Being Messy…With Your Life!

Blank chicks, PLEASE, stop being so damn messy with your life. We all understand you don’t have your life together. We get you’re not emotionally or mentally apt to handle adult issues in a mature manner. Believe me, we completely understand what we are downright sick and tired of is you being so messy! You really need to stop and check how you get down – how you really are perceived by other people. You do not get brownie points for being loud and obnoxious, you’re a “blank chick” it’s in your nature. You don’t have to constantly demonstrate your inadequacies, we’ve been trying to encourage and aid you on your transition into womanhood and adult thinking and behaving.

 You claim you’ve got everything under control, but your “personal house” is a complete mess. You state you’re confident, but you hide your true self behind a mask of material items praying no one will ever discover how low your self-image and self-esteem creates a need for you to continue living a “blank” life. You were my inspiration for creating this blog! I was a “blank chick” but some people who really cared about me sat me down and pointed out the era of my ways – they opened my eyes up to my own reality and gave me the tools for change. I did the work (and I continue to do so) to remove any remaining “blank ideology.” Darlings, sweethearts…You Don’t Have to be Blank All Your Life! Wake-up! You’re getting too old to have a messy life!

• Stop bedding every man that pays you some attention
• Stop gossiping about people, you only look ridiculous
• You don’t have to prove anything to anyone, except YOURSELF
• Stop hiding behind the “bad girl” “boss bitch” image – if you were all that tough you would have made some of the “blank chick” mistakes you’ve made in your life
• Stop calling yourself a bitch – the terms original meaning refers to a female dog is that how you really view yourself? 

The Mix…

I came into the blog world to enlighten, both men and especially women, on “blank” views/thinking. It is time to eradicate the “blank chick” and get your lives together. I want to help you in any way I can – you are why I’m here but you have to promise to make some effort to help yourself. I won’t give up on you! Until the next time, add this ingredient to the bowl of decisions for your life and stay In the Mix with Ms. Nix!

You Shouldn’t Have Said Yes

I’ve never said being in a relationship is easy; it’s hard work – its understanding when you have no idea what the heck is going on, its compromising even when you feel you are right about an issue that has come up, its continuing to love even when you don’t even like the person at the moment, it’s being the best person you can be even when the one you love is being the worse.

Women and men operate so differently. Most women are emotional beings and many men are fixers – they want to make things right when something is going wrong. Women are typically nurturing creatures and men show affection through the things they do not always by the words they say. I have a lot of male and female friends. I speak to both regarding relationship issues, good and bad, and I know married and single people. My single friends want to be in relationships and (unfortunately) the married couples are often seeking a way out of their union.

 One couple I know is currently on the edge of some real trouble. The male has a lot of female friends and has been known to engage in a variety of relationships at the same time. However, he claims to have changed his ways and married his wife. The female in the relationship has always been in long term, monogamous unions and has been through many trials with her current husband involving other women yet she stayed with him and married him despite the challenges the partnership faced.

I called to check on the “happy” couple and see how their union was going since they are now entering reality and moving away from the honeymoon phase.  Initially, both seemed joyful and content but as the conversation went on I could tell there was more underneath all of them, “I love him and I love her so much,” I kept hearing from them over the phone.  Later on that evening, the wife called me back and broke down her feelings about her husband. She said she felt insecure because of some situations prior to their marriage and behaviors with other women during their engagement. She rattled off to me during the course of their engagement her husband was using social media outlets to talk to other women and when confronted with the issue he would claim the conversations meant nothing even with the damning evidence of his asking to take other women out, setting up video chats, and asking for provocative pictures. I asked had the behaviors continued since they have been married and she stated, not to the same degree but there were instances here and there where he would have a conversation with an ex-lover or reach out to some random girl. I told her I would have to think about her information and call her back.

 In the meantime, the husband called me and stated he was upset his wife did not trust him. She was always search through his phone and Facebook to see if he was dealing with other women. In the past, he has made some horrible mistakes but he really did take his marriage seriously. I asked him did he think that his behavior had any direct impact on how she was reacting to him and he said not really. He apologized for past transgressions but he was fully committed. I asked had he engaged in conversations with his past lovers/girlfriends and he said he had but the conversations were brief and they didn’t mean anything. I asked had he told her about the interactions. He said no she found out when she paid the phone bill or when she was searching on the phone. I asked what prevented him from telling her and he said it didn’t mean anything to him – I told him it didn’t matter he seemed to be deceptive and that did not help his case, especially, since he had issues in the past dealing with other women.

 

After I thought long and hard about their issues, I knew these two should not have been married. In fact, I would have suggested some long and intensive counseling before they even considered getting married. But they are now in a union and the best way to salvage what they have was for some therapy and behavior changes to occur. Instead of calling them, I decided to take a trip to their house and sit them both down. I told them you both have valid reasons for how you feel and you both have made some horrible mistakes and you both don’t trust each other nor do you know how to communicate with each other. If you truly love one another, you really need to consider going to a marriage counselor to learn how to trust each other and love each other honestly and openly. You need to be honest with one another and behavior, on both parts, need to change immediately. If you do not want your marriage to end you need to solve your trust issues or you will be in divorce court before you even make it to your 2 year anniversary.

The Mix

I know some women have biological clocks ticking and I know some men want to settle down and have a family but if you have trust issues you need to really put forth the effort to work out the internal demons you have before you decide to have a partnership with someone for the rest of your life. The lack of trust will drive any relationship into the ground and you will have an enemy instead of a lover, companion and friend. If you are not comfortable with your relationship prior to marriage believe me it does not get better just because you have a ring on your finger. Take the time to really establish a strong foundation of trust, respect and communication before you tie the knot. 

I Can’t Stand When Someone Thinks They’re Slick

I have a few pet peeves but one, in particular, drives me crazy – people who think they are slick. I attempt to surround myself with people who have no shades of gray (people who will tell me the truth no matter how it makes me feel) and I appreciate their direct approach. I may not like what you are saying but I respect your ability to tell me the truth. What I don’t like is someone who claims, “I’m real; I keep it 100%,” yet when you get right down to it he/she is the first person to take the indirect path on handling situations that may arise, especially, when conflicts arise.

 I’ve never been the type of person to believe what other people say and if someone states he/she has a “problem” with me I would much rather go directly to the source and deal with whatever issue he/she may have with me. I do not like third-party conversations, I don’t need a hype man or woman to pump me up just to speak with you and I am not going to address you in a manner that would be deemed disrespectful or inconsiderate of the circumstances. I have learned along my journey most often miscommunication is the root of a lot of issues that exist between women or someone has lied because they have assumed something (this will usually include a third-party playing both sides of the fence) or some type of jealousy, envy or intimidation factor exists – which is really a clear sign of an immature mind and lack of self-control, self-worth and low self-esteem.

 I am a woman first and if I have an issue with another woman I firmly believe I need to handle my feelings about the situation with that particular woman (period). Yet, I have found some women claim to be direct and upstanding are just real “blank!” Even as a teenager, those who know me know I have never had a problem confronting someone; however, I am the first to admit I did not handle situations, in my youth, with tack and pose. I was a hot-head and often irrational and hostile. But I am not a teenager anymore and I understand everyone deserves a certain amount of respect and I elect to provide you respect while attempting to resolve tense situations.

In one instance, I approached a situation with another female and simply asked her what problem, if any, she had with me. It seemed when we were in the same places, I would get the snide looks and comments and we had never had a conversation with one another. Now, I could have been ratchet and came off real “ghetto” but I don’t have anything to prove to anyone so all that street, hood behavior was not necessary – I am not 20 years old and I’ve had my grown woman sway for a minute now, acting other than myself, the woman I am is so beneath me and I refuse to allow anyone and anything take me there. Now, when the “young lady” decided to use a third-party to communicate with me a response I was shocked but not surprised and I learned that the direct approach would not be the way she would handle this situation. But what made me do a double-take is the slick stuff - side comments and remarks made afterwards. Taking the “slick” approach shows a lot about a person’s character and this is someone who cannot be trusted. When an individual is not willing to deal with you directly, you should know they are more than likely going to always come at you from the side and rarely head on – keep your third-eye open and move carefully around this type of person.

 The Mix

You know the truth about yourself and if you are unable to be direct and upfront it is okay that is absolutely your prerogative; however, don’t pretend to be someone you know deep down inside you are not. There is a huge difference between picking and choosing a battle or attempting to be nickel slick. Nickel slick people eventually run everyone and everything away from them even those who truly may care about you. Being nickel slick only raises suspicion on just who you really are…your integrity becomes questionable and so does your motives behind your actions!

Until the next time, add this ingredient to the bowl of decisions for your life and stay In the Mix with Ms. Nix!

Talk to Me....

Talk to Me!!!!

Sometimes when there is a breakdown in communication in relationships you will often find ideas and thinking that would never make themselves present and become the forefront of troubles that were brewing underneath the surface. When mates are not up front and honest with one another, eventually the little things that never mattered before become the very reasons why arguments begin. Remember the little trivial things are not the real reason why you argue – it is the deeper issues that were never addressed or never discussed at the root of the problem.

One thing I’ve learned from my past relationships is the importance of communication and being honest about your feelings. Forget about all the bad advice and cliché’s you may have heard when communicating with your partner (e.g. you should never let the someone know all your feelings, something’s are better left unsaid, etc.) you will find out soon enough the very things left to assumption or pushed down for fear of reaction or just trying to avoid the situation altogether. Unfortunately doing either of these will only compound the problem and cause further tension and discord. Many of us say over and over how much we want a relationship but not very many are really ready to put in the hard work and effort it takes to nurture the relationship. 

One of the most important concepts in a good relationship is the communication between two partners. Each person should feel comfortable speaking openly and honestly to each other and without fear of retribution, rejection or lack of understanding to the feelings or views the other maybe sharing at the time. How will you ever know what is going on internally with your mate if you do not talk. You husband or wife is not only your companion but your best friend – be honest don’t you share everything with your best same sex friend? This is how it should be, if not exclusively, with your wife or husband. If in a boyfriend/girlfriend situation, you should be attempting to establish this kind of connection with one another. If there is no friendship and no communication – you will have problems (period). Thus the double-edged sword begins to rear its sharp head. You can only learn the expectations of your mate through communicating with each other. How else are you and your partner to know your morals, principles, values, wants, desires, and criteria for being in a committed relationship. I guess he/she is supposed to guess right? Or understand, completely, by your actions -ummm NO!

 

The Mix

I have learned the importance of talking, really communicating with someone I care deeply about. I have grown in my ability to be honest about my feelings and it is extremely important each and every person in a relationship or considering entering a long-term, committed union learn  very quickly how to express your feelings , your thoughts with the person whom you share your life or who you intend to share your life with. Believe and take very seriously the phrase, “Closed mouths don’t get feed,” – this is a very true statement. Speaking from experience, a closed heart will only get broken  dreams and loneliness…open up your heart and let the words flow from your lips to her/his ears. Hopefully, you will gain knowledge and wisdom to improve your union. Listen to the words of the song I included – men and women can make a healthy relationship impossible….just talk to each other….

Until the next time, add this ingredient to the bowl of decisions for your life and stay In the Mix with Ms. Nix!