You Shouldn’t Have Said Yes

I’ve never said being in a relationship is easy; it’s hard work – its understanding when you have no idea what the heck is going on, its compromising even when you feel you are right about an issue that has come up, its continuing to love even when you don’t even like the person at the moment, it’s being the best person you can be even when the one you love is being the worse.

Women and men operate so differently. Most women are emotional beings and many men are fixers – they want to make things right when something is going wrong. Women are typically nurturing creatures and men show affection through the things they do not always by the words they say. I have a lot of male and female friends. I speak to both regarding relationship issues, good and bad, and I know married and single people. My single friends want to be in relationships and (unfortunately) the married couples are often seeking a way out of their union.

 One couple I know is currently on the edge of some real trouble. The male has a lot of female friends and has been known to engage in a variety of relationships at the same time. However, he claims to have changed his ways and married his wife. The female in the relationship has always been in long term, monogamous unions and has been through many trials with her current husband involving other women yet she stayed with him and married him despite the challenges the partnership faced.

I called to check on the “happy” couple and see how their union was going since they are now entering reality and moving away from the honeymoon phase.  Initially, both seemed joyful and content but as the conversation went on I could tell there was more underneath all of them, “I love him and I love her so much,” I kept hearing from them over the phone.  Later on that evening, the wife called me back and broke down her feelings about her husband. She said she felt insecure because of some situations prior to their marriage and behaviors with other women during their engagement. She rattled off to me during the course of their engagement her husband was using social media outlets to talk to other women and when confronted with the issue he would claim the conversations meant nothing even with the damning evidence of his asking to take other women out, setting up video chats, and asking for provocative pictures. I asked had the behaviors continued since they have been married and she stated, not to the same degree but there were instances here and there where he would have a conversation with an ex-lover or reach out to some random girl. I told her I would have to think about her information and call her back.

 In the meantime, the husband called me and stated he was upset his wife did not trust him. She was always search through his phone and Facebook to see if he was dealing with other women. In the past, he has made some horrible mistakes but he really did take his marriage seriously. I asked him did he think that his behavior had any direct impact on how she was reacting to him and he said not really. He apologized for past transgressions but he was fully committed. I asked had he engaged in conversations with his past lovers/girlfriends and he said he had but the conversations were brief and they didn’t mean anything. I asked had he told her about the interactions. He said no she found out when she paid the phone bill or when she was searching on the phone. I asked what prevented him from telling her and he said it didn’t mean anything to him – I told him it didn’t matter he seemed to be deceptive and that did not help his case, especially, since he had issues in the past dealing with other women.

 

After I thought long and hard about their issues, I knew these two should not have been married. In fact, I would have suggested some long and intensive counseling before they even considered getting married. But they are now in a union and the best way to salvage what they have was for some therapy and behavior changes to occur. Instead of calling them, I decided to take a trip to their house and sit them both down. I told them you both have valid reasons for how you feel and you both have made some horrible mistakes and you both don’t trust each other nor do you know how to communicate with each other. If you truly love one another, you really need to consider going to a marriage counselor to learn how to trust each other and love each other honestly and openly. You need to be honest with one another and behavior, on both parts, need to change immediately. If you do not want your marriage to end you need to solve your trust issues or you will be in divorce court before you even make it to your 2 year anniversary.

The Mix

I know some women have biological clocks ticking and I know some men want to settle down and have a family but if you have trust issues you need to really put forth the effort to work out the internal demons you have before you decide to have a partnership with someone for the rest of your life. The lack of trust will drive any relationship into the ground and you will have an enemy instead of a lover, companion and friend. If you are not comfortable with your relationship prior to marriage believe me it does not get better just because you have a ring on your finger. Take the time to really establish a strong foundation of trust, respect and communication before you tie the knot.